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Packing her things

We’re moving next week. This has been the plan for years. The deal was always, after we’ve lived here for 2 years, we get a rent to own house in their school district. What we didn’t plan was only taking 3/4 of our children with us, and starting a life with just “The five of us”.

I’ve had my hang ups about moving…leaving the house where I have so many memories of her. The house where she colored on the walls and blamed her sisters. The house where she put stickers all over her door, only to take them off upon my request, and then just rearrange them. The house where she spend probably nearing hundreds of hours glued to YouTube, and playing dolls with Norah. The house where we would clean out the car together in the summertime, and the house where I tucked her into bed every single night. I would say “I love you, Poot!” And she would say, “I love you too Muh-Muh! Can you read us a story?” And honestly, most nights I would say I was too tired. God, why did I have to say that so many damn times? Why couldn’t I just spare 10 minutes out of my night for her? Collectively, that would have meant so much more time I could have spent holding her.

Today it hit me hard. Today I realized, when I pack everyone’s things up, and get them to the new house, I won’t be unpacking her boxes. All her stuff will be there, but she doesn’t have a room anymore. She doesn’t have a closet for me to cry in. She doesn’t have a bed for me to remember laying with her in. I’ll have no memories of being with her there; only without her.

These are her things. These are her favorite clothes, her favorite toys, her unwashed bedding, her dirty stuffed animals she would never let me wash. These are her memories. These are my greatest treasures. If my house were to burn down, and everyone was safe, but I could grab one thing, it would be this particular box. Jude’s things. She shared everything with Norah and Hannah, her clothes and toys both. But these things. These were hers only. They are my memories now.

I keep finding myself whispering “Judy come home please” even though I know that’s impossible and I’m not even sure if she can hear me, but I have to believe she can, because if not, I couldn’t keep going.

I miss her presence with every ounce of my being.

16 comments

  1. I have followed the story of your beautiful babies from the very beginning. As a mother my heart aches for you. I think of your sweet angel daily although I never knew her or any of you for that matter I think of her. Such a sweet baby gone way to soon. I pray for yall.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have tried very hard not to read stuff. Because once I start crying I can’t stop and freak the kids out.. And that isn’t even my kid. I don’t know how you do it. Honestly I don’t. And life goes on.. It had has to right? But for you the universe is upside down. And when I put myself mentally in your place for just one second..which I hate doing.. Because I can’t deal.. I remember how crazy strong you are and how you have such a calm spirit and I’m just in awe. Everyone says sorry. I am so so so so sorry katii. Wish I had something better to say because sorry just isn’t enough. I don’t know crap about how to tell you to deal. I just know that you can in good conscience let the guilt go as far as the bedtime stories and the little things that are gnawing away at you. She absolutely had such a wonderful life and knew how loved she was and most all of the goodness she ever experienced was because you were her mother. You are such a good mother. She was a gorgeous happy girl. No regrets. Not for you!

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  3. She can hear you. You will get signs of her being their with u. It might be in blue Jay, cardinal, butterfly, or rain drop hit your face. I lost my son 18 years ago. And it not a easy thing to get over. You have people will tell you it easy but when it your child it hard. You carry a child 9 months you feel that life with them and you spend years with them. And then God calls them home to be with him. Just remember she always there with you. God bless you and continue to heal your heart. Do everything at your pace.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Honey, Jude hears it all! She is in your spirit, your love , your caring, your mind! She loves you and always will. God is caring for her now. One day you will see her when you are old and white headed!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. She totally hears you!!! I know she’s an Angel, with you everyday. My heart is broken for you, and just know that somewhere out there, someone’s praying for you in your weakest moments 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I dont know you at all but i feel so spiritually connected an i have followed all the post she is angel baby hunny an she hears you an most of all God hears you !! I know its gonna be tough i could even imagine !! Continue remembering the good times an knowing you will see her beautiful face in heaven!! An to make it even surreal its not gonna be much longer beautiful its very close to the end of time you her father an sisters will be rejoicing with her !! Praise an positive vibes sent to you all Jesus loves you!! Faith Grace Joy!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a beautiful tribute to your sweet angel Jude. I didn’t know her, but you paint such a vivid picture of her that I feel like I did know her. I don’t know you personally Katie, but as a mother my heart aches with you. I pray you can find comfort in the sweet memories you have with Jude and know that she is your guardian angel 👼 watching over you all. Be blessed and thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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