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“How are you doing?” & “I can’t imagine!”

We told Hannah last night. We waited a month and 6 days to tell her, her little sister is dead, but we told her.

We were waiting for her to be able to communicate, rather than just respond to questions, and that time came. People keep asking me how she took the news. I don’t really know how to respond to that question. She took it as well as she could, which is not at all. There is no “she’s okay” or “we’re okay” because none of us are okay.

When we finally calmed her enough, I asked if there was anything in the world we could give her to help her feel better, and she stopped for a few seconds, a tear fell from her bad eye, and she said “Love?”

Norah has known since the day of the funeral. We just cried together for the first time since, the night before last. She is feeling her absence now. She is starting to understand death. I don’t want my little girls to have to understand death yet. They’re so little.

I’m starting to understand that my sweet, beautiful, wild, baby is not coming back. Losing your child hurts from the time it happens, until you die. I know that. What I didn’t see until now, is that it doesn’t get better with time. This is not one of those wounds that “only time can heal”. This wound gets bigger and bigger, every day I have to wake up to the thought, “Judy is dead”. I can’t see her, I can’t hear her, call her, feel her or smell her weird little smell (kind of like maple syrup and stinky baby feet).

I wish I had treasured more of my time with her. I feel like I was always in such a hurry for one thing or another, but I can’t even name one of those reasons now.

This is my view right now, from the bathroom floor of Hannah’s Hospital room

But this is what I keep staring at

She was so full of life. I understand anatomy and biology, yet I still don’t understand how she is just gone. I know what happened, and I could explain it to you in words that would make you think I actually went to college, but I still don’t understand. Life is scary. It just ends sometimes, without any warning. I always thought I would be able to *feel* if my kids were in danger. I always assumed there was a string connected from my hearts to theirs. But I had no idea. In fact, when I got the call at work that they had been in an accident, I thought it was going to be a dent in the bumper of my sisters car, and they would just ride back up to the house with me. My whole drive there, was me worrying how my sister was going to get back home to Tennessee. I didn’t feel them. I didn’t know. I still don’t feel her. This is not what I expected. Losing a child is like nothing anyone can imagine, so please know that when you say to me “I can’t even imagine”, that in my head, I agree with you, and I am beyond grateful that you can’t imagine.

10 comments

  1. I just bawled my eyes out.. Katii, I just want you to know that I’ve been praying for y’all every since the accident happened.. I know the pain doesn’t get any better because just a week later my sister was Killed in a moped accident in Glasgow. I know that nothing anyone can say can help the hurt. I just wanted you to know that we’re still praying for some comfort for your family❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Katii, everything you write, and have written is so beautiful and full of love and emotion. My heart and my body just aches for you, I guess mostly because there is not one single thing I can do or say to help, or to make any of your pain easier. But, I think because of the way you express yourself by writing, it can be very helpful to you, instead of only leaving it boxed up inside of your head….. This “Book of Jude” will one day be your “Written Masterpiece”! Thank you for sharing it with us….I love you and your family Very Much.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing Your memories of an Angel book . Your life will forever be different, your thoughts and heart forever will be of your baby girl , Jude. This accident should never have had happened, but yet it did. Your little girls have all been in my thoughts since . Moment to moment, dad to day, your life forever changed, you will keep on…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. im am so sorry that you had to lose your beautiful baby jude and that your family h is going threw this you and your babies and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t even imagine the pain and heartache u a d your family are going threw my God be with u and comfort u and your family have followed u since the accident and I have caught myself crying because they are so young if u ever need to talk .essage me on messenger if u like much love and prayers to u all

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, how my heart aches for you and your family… Its seems as though when u loose someone with so much love, excitement, craziness, you slowly get flashbacks of times when they were with you and it makes u feel so deeply, terribly sad just bc you know that rawness of their absense. In your heart you know that when her little soukk left this earth she took that light, that love, and those unique and increble feelings with her. Please know that mourning her everyday is now a ritual and that it it will not be easy living this life without her….Everyday respect her still and the love that she had to give…Sometimes we never understand Gods plan, infact its easy to wonder Why would he do this? Know that some people are so full of innocense and goodness that they are only her for a little while. That for some reason or another he needed her more and that Angel Judy is always with you. Just like we know their is a God but we cant see or prove it…Judy is still connected to you…..And as time moves on you will feel, see, smell her sweet spirit….She may no longer be here with us, but Sweet Jude is still spreading her love even now connecting you with people all across the world who also can see all her love bursting from your sweet pictures. Your family are always in my prayers….And your right it doesnt get easier, BUT sharing her story is one of the best ways to keep her memory alive. Thank you for allowing us to know and love your family.

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  7. I am lost for words! Nothing anyone could say or do would make your heart stop hurting. I know God had plans for everything and also that all things happen for a reason… Although we may not know the reason for those things, he does! She was a beautiful little girl. Now she’s a beautiful little Angel. 👼
    Three very beautiful girls that didn’t deserve an inch of what happened! A Mother that didn’t deserve to loose her child or see the others hurt! Family that didn’t deserve to hurt and feel the pain that followed. We must always remember that God only takes his most perfect children first. She was certainly perfect in every way possible! She seemed so full of life and I’m sure she is looking over all of you all. You, I, & everyone else know that time will NEVER heal this kind of brokeness and pain, but you are a very strong woman and have a purpose to keep fighting through this daily struggle! Those beautiful little girls are strong and will continue to be, as long as they have Jude right there smiling at them, & her guidance will lead them to be strong at heart and in everything they do, as well as having the comfort knowing her presence will always remain! I pray for you and your babies alot and just know, even in the darkest of days, God & Jude will see you through. Much love to you & your family. May God continue to watch over and bless you all for the rest of your days! 🙏♥️

    Liked by 1 person

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