Come back

She was so little and cute. She just learned to read. Her favorite books were Press Here by Herve Tullet and The 7 Habits book from school. It was 7 stories but it took a month for me to read it to her. My biggest regret was not reading to her more. That’s all she ever wanted.

She pronounced her name Jude Bowelery(Valerie) Wilson. A day or 2 before the accident, I got her to say “Val-Er-EE!” I have it recorded only in my head. I’ll never hear “Bowelery” again.

She had the smushiest nose I ever saw. I loved to kiss it bc it smushed all the way flat ♥️ I kissed it about an hour before she died and I said goodbye to the nose I smushed every night at bedtime for almost 6 years.

She had only lost a few teeth so her front teeth were bigger than all the rest. I’m so scared I’ll forget those through the years, because they were fairly new, along with her short hair. I don’t have enough pictures of her short hair and new big girl teeth.

When she was a baby, I would have to sing 3-4 rounds of the 5-6 lullabies I always sang, before she would even consider sleep unless I was holding her or rocking her. She loved music. She was the only one who had any rhythm.

She started walking at 13 months old, but never really got great at it. She was so clumsy. She tripped over her own feet, and moved at her own speed. I was always in a hurry.

What do I do now? I’m just waiting to be with her again.

It gets worse everyday I’m without her. I’m supposed to do this forever? That doesn’t make sense to me. She didn’t grow up yet! I wasn’t done loving her and teaching her! I’m not done! I didn’t get to be the mom I wanted to be for her!

I’m not done! IM NOT DONE!

I have to fight back the words “Please come back” from leaving my mouth, constantly. Those words don’t even make sense right now. I know that but still…please come back.

Helplessness is an emotion I’ve never known until now. All I want to do is ask everyone I see to “please help my baby!”, but nobody can. I know that too.

There’s no point to this entry. It’s not well written. It’s just real. I want Jude. My little home. My purpose. My reason to show any type of spirit throughout my days. I made her exist, but now she doesn’t anymore. Everything we’ve ever known of Jude is just a memory. There is no future for her or with her. I’m lost. I’m broken. I don’t want to be found or fixed. I just want Jude Bowelery Wilson to come back, except coming back isn’t an option and it’s not time for me to go be with her yet so here I am in my own type of Limbo.

I keep going because she loves her brother and sisters and I heard her ask me to take care of Hannah, in my head a few weeks ago. I’ll look for her in them, like I look for her everywhere, hoping she’ll come back through some magical way or another.

I love you littlest sissy 💜

Please come see me in my dreams.

5 comments

  1. I’ve followed this story from the start. My heart goes out to you. When I lost my brother last may to cancer I thought I was going to die. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 9 so I was super close to him. I would have these days where I’d hear him or I’d see him. Some people don’t believe in things like that but I do. It’s like a double edged sword. I loved him coming but it made me miss him more and more. I thought I was going to loose my mind. I remember thinking Timmy if you’d just leave me alone I might just forget and it would be less painful. And then I realized he was right with me helping me through it. I still have days where I feel like I can’t breathe. It scares me I’ll forget. You’ll never forget and you’ll never be good with it. You will find a way to go on with out her fisically but that angel will always be with you. Enjoy the God Winks when she comes by because it always puts a smile on my face. Prayers for you and your family.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Dearest Mother,

    I am a Mother of 5 girls and 1 boy, aged 6 to age 14, and I have followed your heartwrenching story of grief, loss, and miracles as your two older daughters recover.

    Your love and dedication to your children is eternal, dear Mother.But not only is it eternal, we are. As Jesus said (paraphrased) Our body is the hull of a seed that if not opened by being buried in the ground through physical death cannot opento sprout out brand new life! Please be open to the truth that she has not ceased to exist.She and your family are created in the image and likeness of God, an eternal being! She has not ceased to exist in the way that it seems, dear Mother, the hope that I want to share is from Jesus of Nazareth, who conquered death and Who escorted your Jude through space and time to a forever paradise with Him and is showing her the best life we co9only dream of having for our children and ourselves!
    Until you are there with her ! Then it will be far more magnificent!He is the Creator, the Lord of Heaven and Earth, and the narrow gate to eternal life with the Father! We as adults only repent of our sins and believe on Him to be saved. Thank you for posting your real, honest, amazing and loving and painful thoughts about having to say goodbye only for now to your precious gift 🎁 It is not forever til you live with her again, these human years pass quickly and are just a memory when one day all WILL absolutely be restored! You can count on Him for that!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. i have so much to say but don’t know where to begin so i will keep this as brief as possible Katii such a precious little angel with so much life all the stories i’ve read and pictures i have seen i’ve never lost my child(he is my only one) i can’t imagine what you feel i’ve been heartbroken and felt lost like the world was coming to an end via losing people i loved as if there was no reason to walk this world anymore but i’ve learned over time life does go on and it is never easy to be without the ones we love so dear yet lost i say love because the people i have lost that meant so much i still love and they still mean everything to me they may not be here just like little jude (who i so wish i had the honor of meeting) but she is still very much alive it is the job of those who loved her to keep her alive maybe not here in body but in mind and spirit always never let those memories die its good to mourn the loss but after awhile its good to celebrate the life shared with her all three of these little angels claimed a big part of my heart and i still ask god why its not fair it isnt right where is the just in this so i cant begin to imagine it i only tell you this part of it because you need to know that god makes no mistakes and for whatever reason he called her home i know its easy to say god needed one of his angels but why mine (as i’ve seen you say) i get that part of it just keep her alive within and she will always be with you i so wish i could take it all away and feel these horrorible feelings for you instead take my word for it you will never forget her say bewlerey (so cute) that is something that will stay with you forever keep on keeping on no matter how hard it may seem you have an amazing testimony to share and one day your going to meet someone who is going through exactly what you are right now and their only saving grace my be your person expereince strength and hope that you are able to offer him/her god bless you stay strong in faith but also allow yourself to be vournerable with someone you trust and do not hold back hanging onto feelings will only make them worse in time if no one else told you they love you today god loves you and so do i

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry I’m sending my love and prayers your way may god always be with ur family and just know he is taking great care or your baby Jude ❤️❤️😭🙏🏾🙏🏾😇😇

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Know where are you are coming from I lost a son at 11 years old is not easy I just gave it to God there was a reason for him to be taken from me I can’t hardly go to his grave you grave praying for you every day for peace!!

    Liked by 1 person

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