She was so little and cute. She just learned to read. Her favorite books were Press Here by Herve Tullet and The 7 Habits book from school. It was 7 stories but it took a month for me to read it to her. My biggest regret was not reading to her more. That’s all she ever wanted.
She pronounced her name Jude Bowelery(Valerie) Wilson. A day or 2 before the accident, I got her to say “Val-Er-EE!” I have it recorded only in my head. I’ll never hear “Bowelery” again.
She had the smushiest nose I ever saw. I loved to kiss it bc it smushed all the way flat ♥️ I kissed it about an hour before she died and I said goodbye to the nose I smushed every night at bedtime for almost 6 years.
She had only lost a few teeth so her front teeth were bigger than all the rest. I’m so scared I’ll forget those through the years, because they were fairly new, along with her short hair. I don’t have enough pictures of her short hair and new big girl teeth.
When she was a baby, I would have to sing 3-4 rounds of the 5-6 lullabies I always sang, before she would even consider sleep unless I was holding her or rocking her. She loved music. She was the only one who had any rhythm.
She started walking at 13 months old, but never really got great at it. She was so clumsy. She tripped over her own feet, and moved at her own speed. I was always in a hurry.
What do I do now? I’m just waiting to be with her again.
It gets worse everyday I’m without her. I’m supposed to do this forever? That doesn’t make sense to me. She didn’t grow up yet! I wasn’t done loving her and teaching her! I’m not done! I didn’t get to be the mom I wanted to be for her!
I’m not done! IM NOT DONE!
I have to fight back the words “Please come back” from leaving my mouth, constantly. Those words don’t even make sense right now. I know that but still…please come back.
Helplessness is an emotion I’ve never known until now. All I want to do is ask everyone I see to “please help my baby!”, but nobody can. I know that too.
There’s no point to this entry. It’s not well written. It’s just real. I want Jude. My little home. My purpose. My reason to show any type of spirit throughout my days. I made her exist, but now she doesn’t anymore. Everything we’ve ever known of Jude is just a memory. There is no future for her or with her. I’m lost. I’m broken. I don’t want to be found or fixed. I just want Jude Bowelery Wilson to come back, except coming back isn’t an option and it’s not time for me to go be with her yet so here I am in my own type of Limbo.
I keep going because she loves her brother and sisters and I heard her ask me to take care of Hannah, in my head a few weeks ago. I’ll look for her in them, like I look for her everywhere, hoping she’ll come back through some magical way or another.
I love you littlest sissy 💜
Please come see me in my dreams.