The World Keeps Moving

But I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck for 55 days. No time has passed for me. Every day feels like what 2 hours use to feel like, and it just restarts back at January 2nd all over again.

The world keeps moving. Life keeps changing. I see people having babies, birthday parties and weddings (without you in them), and I don’t understand.

I mean, I understand it’s all we can do, to just keep moving. What I don’t quite get, is the fact that it’s even possible. It doesn’t make sense that you’re gone, and we’re still here. You’re part of me. I made you, I fed you, I changed you, I taught you how to use the potty and walk, I taught you every word you knew, I cried myself to sleep sometimes bc I was worried I wasn’t doing enough for you, I protected you, encouraged you, and I made you laugh everyday. Now you’re gone. All of a sudden, my meaning is gone. I have more meanings, but it doesn’t ease anything. There is no “at least you have your other children” to it. Judy you were mine. You were my sunlight. You were the center piece of our puzzle, now nothing is right.

This picture is my heart, you guys.

When I would take them into the store with me, we would ALWAYS hold hands and make a chain, and Norah would say “Make a s’mores!” And we’d all squish together close to stay safe, and Jude would always say “I’m da marshmallow!” Now my marshmallow is gone. You ever eaten a s’mores without a marshmallow?

I miss my marshmallow.

Can you see the birthmark in her left eye? I miss that too. It’s not relevant to this. I just miss it. I miss everything.

4 comments

  1. I would never even pretend to say I know what you feel, because I can’t, I only know the pain I feel when I look at your face and into your eyes, or when I read your feelings in your writings… when I see the beginning of a lifelong struggle with pain in my precious baby brothers sweet little girl, and when I see him hurting so badly because he can’t fix this for you, and because a piece of him has been taken away as well. As unfair as it seems, The World does Keep Moving, and even though you feel your life is at a standstill in time…. it is not. It is moving as well. Others have been quoted, so very many times saying, “time will heal your broken heart and help relieve the pain”. Well, that statement has always made me kind of angry! It may work for some, and I truly hope it does, but, as you very well know, I’ve had personal losses in my life…. some, of course, have been losses for you as well. And, in my experience, the only thing TIME does, is help teach you to learn how to conceal the pain and hide the missing pieces in your life from those that don’t really know who you are in the first place. You are Strong! I know you think you are not, and that is understandable. It makes perfect sense for you to not recognize it. But, I promise, you are….. I see the Love you have for your kids, first hand…. I always have, since they were born. Your Life will never be the same, therefore it will never be easy, but you will, you already are, starting the “New Normal” for your family…. they know and feel so much love, and security, they will get through this and grow….. you may not realize it, but you will see that they do. We have a big family, everyone has their hands full with “everyday life”. We may not be next door, we may not see you every day or even every week, but I promise, any one of us would drop whatever we’re doing if you need us to come. I hope you sincerely know that. Love you bunches!!! Getting back to the Marshmallow, I really miss her too …. I do see that birthmark, I remember it…. but it’s that “unibrow” that is visible in this picture that makes me smile… I loved it when she talked about that…. so cute, made us all laugh that she even knew what a unibrow was, let alone that she had one…. funny, lol at you Jude!

    Liked by 1 person

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