But I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck for 55 days. No time has passed for me. Every day feels like what 2 hours use to feel like, and it just restarts back at January 2nd all over again.
The world keeps moving. Life keeps changing. I see people having babies, birthday parties and weddings (without you in them), and I don’t understand.
I mean, I understand it’s all we can do, to just keep moving. What I don’t quite get, is the fact that it’s even possible. It doesn’t make sense that you’re gone, and we’re still here. You’re part of me. I made you, I fed you, I changed you, I taught you how to use the potty and walk, I taught you every word you knew, I cried myself to sleep sometimes bc I was worried I wasn’t doing enough for you, I protected you, encouraged you, and I made you laugh everyday. Now you’re gone. All of a sudden, my meaning is gone. I have more meanings, but it doesn’t ease anything. There is no “at least you have your other children” to it. Judy you were mine. You were my sunlight. You were the center piece of our puzzle, now nothing is right.
This picture is my heart, you guys.
When I would take them into the store with me, we would ALWAYS hold hands and make a chain, and Norah would say “Make a s’mores!” And we’d all squish together close to stay safe, and Jude would always say “I’m da marshmallow!” Now my marshmallow is gone. You ever eaten a s’mores without a marshmallow?
I miss my marshmallow.
Can you see the birthmark in her left eye? I miss that too. It’s not relevant to this. I just miss it. I miss everything.