I’m not afraid to say it; sometimes I have good days. I have bad days too of course, but most days are rollercoasters of highs and lows.
Today I started out as a good day, which quickly came crashing when I got home, started unpacking and came across the bag from the funeral home. Inside was her curl. My last curl. The last piece of her wild hair (where I swear her soul lived), that I’d ever get to run my fingers through again.
Along with her curl came the overflowing guest book, cards and drawings, and little gifts from everyone who loved her. But as soon as it all became too much, Hannah in her little world, looking through YouTube, started playing “Walk like Shawn”. That was our thing. It’s a video from one of those “YouTube Families” where a little baby walks and the dad synced it up to music to make it into a dance. “Belly out, zombie arms, NOW WALK LIKE SHAWN” and we would do it and laugh so much💜
I hadn’t heard it since we did it together. It wasn’t something Hannah ever watched. Purely a me and Jude thing. And there it was, when I hit a wall. She keeps reminding me she’s still with me every time I go to the deepest dark place in my mind. I never believed in much, but she keeps proving she’s here. She’s still my girl. She’s not gone, I just can’t hold her anymore.
I have flashbacks of her so intense sometimes it feels like visions from “That’s So Raven”, and yesterday she stopped me in the laundry room of our new house, and I saw her run through the hallway screaming, “I LOVE THIS HOUSE!”
I’m so thankful for my flashbacks. They’re not always happy ones from her life, or whatever yesterday’s was, but if I couldn’t have those, I’d be very stuck, you guys. It keeps getting harder and harder to live without her but she’s still here. She’s still with me. I asked her the day before her brain death to stay in my heart, keep me strong and keep her siblings safe. She’s doing it. My kid is magical. She’s so incredible.