As I sit in my car, waiting for Jude’s big sisters to come out of school, I look at the doors, remembering she’ll never going to come running from those doors with her shoes untied and her thumbs hooked in her backpack straps again. I can’t… I need her back!

I NEED HER BACK!

I try not to say that too often in fear someone will inform me “God needed his angel back!” or something along those lines, and I’ll have to excuse myself from their vicinity before I explain why that’s utter bullshit, but I just can’t not say it right now.

I need her back so I can watch her grow up and find out who she would have become.

Norah needs her back because without her she’s lost and alone no matter how often we all remind her she’s not.

Hannah needs her to protect her heart and encourage her like no one but her knew how to.

Graves needs her because she passed a lot of herself on to him. She taught him how to be a kid, and he only has a year and a half left of examples from her before he’s older than she ever got to be.

Kyle needs her because she taught him to be silly and showed him how to go with the flow and to look on the bright side, and he still needs reminders.

We need her back!

I need her back!

I need her because without her, my heart is broken forever, more than I could ever achieve to explain. You know the sensation we call “heart-wrench”? I know I’d experienced it throughout my life during hard times, but only for a second each time, because immediately the pressure climbs to the roof of my mouth, making it almost impossible not to cry wherever I am…That “heart-wrench” is constant when you’ve lost a child.

It becomes less noticeable to the outside as time goes on and you learn to control where you allow your mind to trail to, whether it’s a happy memory or a flashback from a hospital room. But what’s worse is when you have a moment to breathe, and realize you’ve just been living with this super intense feeling like it’s not there at all, so you finally let yourself be engulfed by that grip on your heart; the knot in your throat shoots to the roof of your mouth, and you don’t know what’s about to come next, whether it be a flood of tears accompanied by animalistic war cries for a person you created, you learned from, you dreamed for, you dedicated your whole self to before anyone else, you promised to protect with your life, who no longer exists, who needed you, who you still need, or…

you SNAP out of it, let one or two tears fall, pat them dry and open the car door for the kids who still need you…

One comment

  1. I love reading your beautiful, raw heart strings. You have a profound way of describing yourself that causes the reader to almost ‘feel’ exactly what you are writing. Your genuine openness is a gift you are giving the reader. Thank you for allowing us to walk thru your thoughts with you. We love you, we love Jude, we love your family.

    Liked by 1 person

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